Lessons in Relationships
All photographs shot by Alika Francis and styled by Jessica Miller
Jacket – Bershka
Crop top – Urban Outfitters
Trousers – Bershka
Shoes – Office
Sunglasses – Accessorize
The links to these products are at the bottom of this post.
-
I haven’t spoken much about relationships. For some reason I feel so protective over my experiences, almost as if I can’t bare to admit that I’ve ever been hurt or I’ve ever been the part of a failed relationship. Plot twist, I have been both of those things.
And I have done some fairly big no-no’s, and likewise have they been done to me; but ultimately I do not regret any of my relationships, as they have all been extremely valuable learning curves. It takes a great amount of self-learning and time to understand how incredible privileged I have been to experience those things.
And sometimes you find yourself in unhealthy or toxic relationships – for sure I have to. Some of them one way, and some of them it’s been a mutual toxicity. These are the most difficult kinds of relationships to find yourself in, for usually, you love the person very deeply, but you deep down know it’s probably best for the both of you, and the people around you if you separate.
Not only have I been in toxic relationships myself, but I have actively witnessed my friends also go through toxic relationships.
It’s so easy to say to a friend “well I would do this in your situation” or “well it’d be so easy for me to dump him/her” etc. it is so easy to see the problems in a relationship when you have the outsiders opinion; you see the full picture instead of being wrapped up in it.
It’s only when you’re in a similar situation yourself where you can truly understand how the love can sway you. It can make you do all these things you never thought you would/could. It teaches you these life lessons, that are invaluable. In that, you can only learn them when you go through the motions yourself. Of course, along the way you have highs and lows, love and heartbreak, that is the part and parcel of life.
There are some of my ex-boyfriend’s that may be reading, or not, who knows. Some of my experiences with ex’s are positive, sometimes we can stay friends, be amicable, maybe even go for coffee. Others, not too much. There can be bitterness and resentment. So in a way, my experiences are personal and private to them, and us. However, I will try and be as sensitive as possible and not over-share; whilst trying my best to share some invaluable life lessons I have learnt through being in relationships.
every relationship is different.
For every relationship I have learnt something which I have taken forward; whether it’s how to make a coffee, to how to live with someone. It’s also not just about what you take from that person, but what you have offered them. Sometimes it’s nice to reflect and think; I wonder if I taught them how to make a proper cup of tea?
So make your tea (we always make the best tea for ourselves don’t we?) and grab a seat for you are about the read the ultimate (ish) guide to relationships.
learn how to communicate
Everyone I asked (as research for my post) in some way or another, spoke about communication. I thought I’d start off the comprehensive list with a fairly obvious one. Communication is key in all relationships, (not just romantic relationships) – it is the ultimate basis for whether a couple will make it long-term. It’s important to communicate both positively and negatively with each other, and listen to what someone has to say before you speak. Although it sounds simple, something one would learn in primary school – we are all shocked at how difficult it is to get a point across, or understand a situation from another person’s view.
Common signs of poor communication can result in shouting and screaming to get a point across and overpower another person, swearing can be used for lack of a better work, or simply ignoring each other. Though I do not agree with ignoring each other, sometimes it may be important to recognise when a little time or space is needed. During this time, one may be able to gather thoughts, and think their argument through in a more calm manner, and then it will be easier to present back to each other how you feel.
Do some research into ways of having a productive argument rather than a destructive argument. Using words like “your actions made me feel” rather than “you did this”. Remember you can offend someone whether you mean it or not, and therefore “but I didn’t mean it” doesn’t really excuse what has been said or done. Instead, try and say “It wasn’t my intention to make you feel this way, and I apologise for that”. It’s always easier to apologise for the effect of your actions, despite your actions being in someone’s best interest.
find a balance between compromise and sticking your ground (be true to yourself)
This one I struggle with a lot, the balance is almost impossible. Everybody who I asked, said compromise is the most important thing – and I sort of agree too, but then upon reflection I had a realisation. I have compromised too much for an ex. I have been so in love that I have forgotten who I was, and dropped everything that ever mattered to me.
You should consider compromising on something which is the best thing for the relationship as a whole, rather than for you or your partner’s selfish needs. For example, if your partner is allergic to dogs, but you are an avid dog person, talk about other pets you might be able to get. However, if you like wearing bright lipsticks but your partner loves it “when you look more natural”, then bright lipsticks it is. Don’t lose touch with yourself, otherwise before you know it, you make so many small changes you’re walking around without a scrap of makeup on and your hair is wayward because “that’s how they like it”. Grim.
You should stick your ground on things that are fundamental to your happiness. Weigh up whether something is a big deal to you or not and judge it accordingly, you may need time to decide whether it is something you are able to compromise on. For example, if wearing those bright lipsticks aren’t really that important to you, and your partner just wants to smother you in kisses and they get annoyed when the lipsticks transfer then maybe you can give them up. After all, they’re not that important, and you get more kisses. Besides, reapplication is a bitch.
On the other hand, if you decide that you are not able to compromise on something because it impacts your happiness, then that is absolutely fine, however the person has the right to walk away from the situation. And that’s fine too.
Stick your ground on things that are fundamental to your happiness.
don’t dwell on the past, but understand it has had an impact on you
Nobody wants to hear it – “How many people have you slept with?” I know we feel like we want to know, but we really don’t need to hear it. It only sets you up for comparing yourself and judgement (it literally doesn’t matter anyway). Equally, nobody wants to hear about the time you went to see the arctic monkeys with your ex or what their favourite album was. Nobody benefits from that information. However, sometimes past relationships can hurt and scar you, and you may have remaining baggage – we all do. You have to be accepting and patient for your partner or yourself to allow yourself to heal, and move on. You may have nights up chatting about these times, or you may have arguments where you are totally within your rights to say “actually I don’t like it when you say that because that’s a sensitive issue for me”. You get me?
you should never need somebody, only want somebody
I think this is the most important lesson that I have learnt so far. “I need you”. Such an easy thing to say. And I get it, sometimes you feel like you need someone there, or you need support, but ultimately, do you need them?
I know as relationships develop and the two parties are bonded with marriage or kids, the need for each other may be stronger. More so, some couples are happy needing each other, and that’s fine.
But for me – I want to know that I am financially, physically and emotionally capable of walking away if I had to. I don’t want to ever think “God I really want out of this relationship but I wouldn’t be able to afford to survive” or “I can’t be on my own”.
I believe it to be more romantic when my partner says “I’m here because I want to be here and I want you.” not because he can’t actually be without me. It’s more flattering to know I am being chosen.
know your self worth
I can’t say much about this one because it takes time and experience. Know what your boundaries are, and what’s acceptable and what’s not. Don’t agree with everything to sound cool or to please someone. And value yourself, and your happiness as more important – especially when the relationship is new. It is easy to get swept away.
trust your instincts
If something is dodgy, just ask. Don’t go snooping, it’s unfaithful and dishonest. There is most likely a chance you’ll find something you don’t want to see. There might even be a really simple explanation for something that sounds terrible because it’s read out of context.
But if you really feel like there is something dodgy going on, there probably is. Hopefully they will be honest and tell you the truth. My only advice is check your period tracker before you start accusing, cause paranoia hormones are a real thing.
If you are super paranoid and you don’t trust them even though they are innocent – it may be a sign the relationship isn’t meant to be. Being paranoid is so exhausting it’s usually not worth it. You should find someone who makes you feel secure. If nobody makes you feel secure, it may be a sign that you need to work on yourself and your own securities.
have a relationship with yourself first
If you’re annoyed because your partner is out spending time with friends, ask yourself why? Is it because you have to be on your own and it’s an alien or unsettling feeling?
Why is it so hard to be on our own? I lived with my ex boyfriend, meaning we were glued at the hip. After we broke up, the hardest thing I had to go through was learning to be on my own.
And it’s not just learning to be okay, it’s about learning how to be actively happy on your own and to value your own company. Without this, you may find yourself leaning onto your partner too much for attention and support. It’s an important skill to have before entering any relationship.
you can’t make someone happy
Nobody has put this better into words than Will Smith. I would suggest checking out his instagram for he is the life guru of 2018.
The premise? Simple: You cannot make someone happy. It is not your responsibility. You have a duty to work on your own, individual happiness and then present yourself to the relationship in an already happy head space. It is too exhausting to be responsibility for someone’s happiness, for it is then so easy to neglect your own.
Of course this doesn’t mean you aren’t a part of someone’s happiness, you just can’t be the only thing that makes them happy. Imagine if you were, the pressure on that relationship is extreme, and controlling. For you cannot be held responsible for someone’s demise if you chose to leave.
don’t put all of your eggs into one basket
A.K.A don’t ditch everyone else. It’s easier said than done, especially in a first love or first relationship. But you will learn that friends are there for you after the relationship is over, and I have more friendships that have surpassed 1 year than I have relationships. But they may not be there for you if you don’t maintain and nurture those relationships.
love isn’t always enough
Love is lovely. It really is. However, it takes more for a relationship to work. You might love someone, but not trust them, not be able to communicate with them, and have totally different life goals to them. Leading me on perfectly to my next point.
know when to walk away
Relationships don’t always work out. In fact, they almost never do, and if they do, someone dies. Charming aren’t I? But if it’s not working out, and you’re 60 years away from the average death, then you need to know when to leave. And for me, it’s a simple question. Do the positives outweigh the negatives? Yes or no?
Typically, everyone will want to have a say. Break up! Work at it longer! Ultimately, all relationships have a life span and they you need to see them through until the end. Only you will know when that is – but when you know, break it off. It’s worse to drag it out, for you are wasting your own time and also their time.
keep your dignity
This one is tough. You don’t always have control of your emotions, but a break-up will be 1000 times better if you are able to keep your dignity. Of course, it’s easier if a) you’re the one ending it, or b) you saw it coming, for we all have a gut reaction we can’t immediately control. But let’s be honest, nobody likes a dramatic ending. Keep your calm (even if your not), be understanding (even if your not) and walk away. Then you can come home and cry, scream, and cuddle your mum. But don’t try and beg or plead to your partner, they have every right to end the relationship even if you don’t agree with it. It definitely won’t make them change their mind, if anything – it will reinforce it. (I know, I’ve been in both places).
don’t put too much pressure on (the future)
I am massively guilty of this one. I get so excited in relationships, things slip out. Shall we live here when we’re married? Oops. Mostly, I don’t mean it. But of course, it installs a massive amount of pressure on the other person. Nobody knows what’s gonna happen so let keep pressure off and let things happen naturally. On the other hand, (being devils advocate here) you don’t want to get 5 years into a relationship and realise the other person has never wanted kids when you’re a baby charmer. So maybe have a conversation about these fundamental life wants/needs when it feels natural so you’re not wasting your time.
And last but not least…
be your own number 1, you are the most important person in your own life.
After all, you have to spend the rest of your life with yourself, so prioritise your number 1, and make sure you are a-okay.
the oufit
Jacket (similar) – https://www.bershka.com/gb/cropped-biker-jacket-c0p101316120.html?colorId=927
–
-
Jessy Miller
@jessymillerx