My relationship with alcohol
All views on this opinion are my own, and are not presented in a way to judge anyone who has different beliefs. Alcohol should be consumed responsibly. Please seek help if you are struggling, here are some helpful links:
https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIxsOSyJvJ2wIVrQrTCh18ZwtQEAAYASAAEgKew_D_BwE
http://www.talktofrank.com/
–
I will give you guys a little background information, which has helped to base my views.
My parents were fairly liberal people. If we wanted to try a sip of wine, or beer; we were allowed. We never really liked it, (obviously) but I figured my parents thought if they were to be strict and restrictive, it can lead us to going off the rails at 18 once we could buy alcohol ourselves.
They weren’t massive drinkers themselves so I don’t know if I ever deemed it as a “cool, grown up” thing to do; they were rather casual about it.
When I was 15 or 16 or so, I would be allowed to drink at home, either with dinner or if they had friends over. They would provide me with the amount of alcohol they were comfortable with me drinking; so I wouldn’t have to go out on the piss and get strangers to buy me bottles of vodka WKD and smirnoff ice to get fucked in the park.
Because of this; I was never fussed about alcohol. I never really saw it as a big deal.
-
You see, I grew up in Central London.
In fact; I’ll be even more specific: I grew up in a flat above Homeless Centre that my parents ran. I was probably about nine or so when I saw a hole in a woman’s leg so big through injecting heroin for years on end, and I would watch alcohol destroy numerous people’s lives on a daily basis.
I am eternally grateful to have seen this side of life; and to see how quickly your life can change when a person becomes dependent on drugs and alcohol. This experience obviously shaped my stance on substance abuse, but it’s obviously an extreme experience, which most people don’t usually see day to day.
Growing up in Central London meant that everything was readily available to you. I could go out at 15 and get into pubs and bars and some clubs. Alcohol and drugs were on offer to me whenever I wanted them, and that’s difficult for an impressionable teenager. I can imagine many young adults buckling to the pressure; there’s usually only so many times you can say no before you can’t anymore.
I don’t love the drinking culture in England anyway. It’s very binge-based; having Thursday-Sunday as the binge booze days and then being super detox for the rest of the week. I think it’s also very social thing to do – But more on that in a little bit.
“I was probably about nine or so when I saw a hole in a woman’s leg so big through injecting heroin for years on end”
-
When I was in secondary school, I felt a huge amount of pressure to drink. Everyone was starting to have house parties; where everyone would get absolutely fucked. I realised very quickly that if you didn’t have a drink in your hand, the first thing that anyone would say to you was “where’s your drink?” It felt like a totally impossible culture to avoid; and before you know it, I was completely involved. We would drink quite a lot actually (bless our baby liver’s), and we would do really stupid shit.
In fact if you ask the friends I had in school what our funniest stories are; they will probably start with “well we were really drunk and …” Not very cute. And in fact I think most mistakes I made at this age was alcohol-induced.
-
Alongside this culture, I was struggling with my mental health. I had anxiety; which at the time was controlling a lot of my life. I felt like I didn’t have control over my life; and this was problematic every time I had a drink. I was prone to panic attacks due to total lack of control.
I was also a bit of an arsehole when I had a drink. I was loud, bossy, and I straight up made terrible decisions. Either that, or I would get super emotional and won’t be able to stop myself crying. I found that I also had way more fun at parties when I was sober, and I could remember what happened the next day.
It was also super easy to alcohol as a vice for any problems. It is a distraction to any issues in life, and it is the ultimate key to self destruct mode. I totally understand the feeling of wanting to forget life’s issues, but it all felt so much worse when I woke up in the morning and the problems were still there.
With all of this in mind; I was incredibly vulnerable. A woman should not have to stay sober in order to protect herself; and yet young male teenagers found their perfect time to strike with a sexual harassment was when alcohol was involved. In fact I remember a young male trying to take advantage of me when I was so out of it, and then tell me it was all my fault because of how drunk I was. How unacceptable is that? One moment where I wish I could back in time and punch him in the face.
It was around this time that I decided; I was going to be sober. I would go to parties and be that token person that didn’t drink. P.S it is super hard to do this. Nobody ever respected my choice. I had drinks thrusted upon me, people telling me I was boring, and sometimes I wouldn’t be invited because “it’s not a sober event”. I was actually embarrassed to be sober. Why did everyone like losing control so much? Why did everyone like to be messy? Why is everyone okay with having a terrible hangover the next day? It was my nightmare.
I also questioned why alcohol was such a big part of every event. You get promoted? Get the champagne out! You’re moving house? Here’s a bottle for your new home! You’re pregnant? Such a shame you can’t drink for 9 whole months, how will you survive?!
-
I found ways of hiding my sobriety. I would buy soft drinks and tell people they’re alcoholic. I would accept drinks from people and then “accidentally” leave them in the bathroom, or spill them. I would drive to parties just so I didn’t have to drink, and I would make my friends down every shot I was given as well as their own.
I would borrow people’s drinks for photos.
Dating was bit of a nightmare because men never knew where to take me if I wasn’t drinking. I don’t really understand this one because I love a virgin cocktail, but I suppose a lot of first dates also use alcohol to break the ice.
I suppose it’s not quite the same if a man says, “May I buy you a drink?” and you say “Sure, I’ll take a sex on the beach… without the vodka, or the peach schnapps… oh and no cranberry, so… yeah… just orange juice please”.
If you told anyone you didn’t drink; you would be asked that pearler of a question: “why don’t you drink?”
Why do I have to explain myself? What are you expecting me to say? My reason doesn’t concern you – but also why do I have to have a reason? Why can’t I just not fancy it… is it that absurd? Throughout the years, I came up with plenty of answers to that question; of all different scopes. But ultimately, I just don’t want to – there is no juicy story.
Unfortunately “I just don’t want to” isn’t really a good enough reason. I ended up isolating myself from many social events because it was too exhausting to hide how I felt from everyone. I isolated myself even more when I entered a relationship with someone who was sober. At the start I was so relieved because I finally didn’t have to explain myself to someone; but ultimately I would end up staying in our own cold-pressed-juice drinking bubble.
Also there is kind of a sexist issue here where a teetotal man was super straight-edge and sexy, but as a woman I was called boring more than you could imagine. Every time I got called boring; I would come back with some sassy response about how I could have a good time without alcohol. And this is true – I don’t need alcohol to get me onto the dance floor. I always felt a sly bit of pity for those who needed to be absolutely smashing in order to build up the confidence and have a good time.
-
I would say it’s only been in the last year of my life that I have learnt to enjoy a drink again. I use my language carefully there, because it usually is just one or two drinks. I think it’s mostly all about balance. I like a glass of wine with dinner very much, and I feel more comfortable drinking at my home than I do when I’m in an unknown location or if I’m with someone I don’t really know.
I don’t judge anyone for drinking, in fact sometimes I wish my mind allowed me to “let go” and enjoy not being in control, but if I’m being totally honest – I’m not sure if I will ever understand the culture.
Jessy Miller
@jessymillerx
–